Disney: All New Rides Based on Racist Movies Must Be Bad on Purpose

ANAHEIM, CA - Well, it’s finally happened. After years of fans complaining about the racist source material for the classic Disney dark flume ride Splash Mountain, the company has officially announced that the ride will be rethemed to 2009’s animated hit, The Princess and the Frog.

The ride has been controversial for years, taking inspiration from the 1946 film Song of the South, a film that has been a sore subject for the Disney company and has never been officially released on home media formats. Still, the ride uses characters and songs from the film and has become a staple of Disney Parks’ offerings.

The decision to install a new story on the ride is also controversial, as the ride has been in Disneyland for over 30 years. It certainly has its share of lifelong fans.

Imagineer Freddie Lowless commented, “The problem has always been that the ride is just great. Yes, the movie is racist as hell, but the ride is awesome so what are we gonna do? That’s why we are now making it company policy that any new rides based on racist movies have to be made intentionally terrible. Like, just the worst. Rides you would never want to go on.”

Industry experts have concluded that the move makes a lot of sense. New racist rides have to be expendable so that there will be little to no outcry when they decide to remove or replace them. Said Lowless, “Imagine if the Song of the South ride was a simulator with poorly synchronized movements. It would make everyone sick. That’s the kind of experience a racist story should give you.”

“The Princess and the Frog is a wonderful movie with great songs and memorable characters,” said Lowless. “The New Orleans and swamp settings will make for a perfect attraction! And replacing a racist ride with the first black Princess movie is just poetic justice.”

Lowless also hinted at what’s to come in the way of racist rides that will now be bad by design. “We’re going to turn one of the Dumbo carousels into an experience based on the crows from Dumbo. You’ll basically sit in a bucket while trash is thrown at you. Let’s see somebody complain when we replace that!”

Joe Scoop