Universal Orlando Resort Curious If Article Will Be Written About Tweet

 

ORLANDO, FL - in the age of the 24-hour news cycle, many stories go unnoticed by many. Often times, articles get little to no attention while other times, stories are never written into the news.

Popular vacation destination Universal Orlando Resort weighed in on the situation Thursday, posting to Twitter to inquire whether anyone would write an article about the self-referential tweet.

The resort is tapping into a feeling most have shared in the social media landscape. As we all post our thoughts, whether they be insights, jokes or vulnerable confessions, we wonder whether the things we say are worth the attention of others. We crave validation. We thirst for acknowledgment. Vacation destinations are no different.

With a highly anticipated Halloween season fast approaching, the resort knows what its followers are waiting for. Any new announcement will spark articles, podcast episodes, YouTube videos, live streams, etc. An endless onslaught of coverage. But what, UOR wonders, is my face value? What about my own desires? Will you love me for me? What am I without my Horror Nights? We’ve all been there.

We see you, Universal Orlando Resort. From all of us here at RPN, we see you.

Joe Scoop

Even Trump Animatronic Rejects Election Fraud Case

MAGIC KINGDOM PARK, FLORIDA - After weeks of filing lawsuits in various courts and states, President Trump has had no success in overturning the results of the 2020 election. Most recently, the Supreme Court of the United States has dismissed a case from Texas seeking to reverse the results in Michigan, Georgia, Pennsylvania and Arizona and win President Trump reelection.

Seeing no other route to victory, the President is now taking his case to the only remaining option, Walt Disney’s  The Hall of Presidents. Trump stated, “When the real world is rigged against me, I have to go to a world of fantasy.”

He continued, Mickey balloon and turkey leg in hand, “If anyone will understand how fraudulent and corrupt this election was, it’s all the great presidents, and some not so great... everybody says, ‘Mr. Trump, why were the presidents so great?’ And I tell them, ‘Well, some of them were not so great. You know? Some of them were real losers.’ Not like me. I won this election. There’s no way I didn’t win this election, and you’ll see that here today.”

His hopes were quickly dashed, however, when the entire hall of 45 American President unanimously rejected the court filing. In a statement written by the Animatronic Trump, “Nobody knows more about Fake News than me. I’m fake, all these other guys are fake. Everything in this whole place is fake. We live next door to a haunted house. You ever go in there? The Haunted Mansion! It’s full of spookies and ghosties, and they’re all fake........ ‘Dear? Will the ghosts come to scare us today?’ ‘No, darling. The ghosts aren’t real. Is the wind blowing, darling? I don’t want powdered sugar to blow on my suit.’ I know fake. Believe me, I know fake like nobody you’ve ever seen, and this whole fraud business is as fake news as that Yuge Thunder Mountain. It’s a fake rock. Case dismissed.”

President Trump ended his disappointing day in the park by riding The Carousel of Progress, where at least the outdated sexist jokes would offer him some comfort.

Joe Scoop

Disney: All New Rides Based on Racist Movies Must Be Bad on Purpose

ANAHEIM, CA - Well, it’s finally happened. After years of fans complaining about the racist source material for the classic Disney dark flume ride Splash Mountain, the company has officially announced that the ride will be rethemed to 2009’s animated hit, The Princess and the Frog.

The ride has been controversial for years, taking inspiration from the 1946 film Song of the South, a film that has been a sore subject for the Disney company and has never been officially released on home media formats. Still, the ride uses characters and songs from the film and has become a staple of Disney Parks’ offerings.

The decision to install a new story on the ride is also controversial, as the ride has been in Disneyland for over 30 years. It certainly has its share of lifelong fans.

Imagineer Freddie Lowless commented, “The problem has always been that the ride is just great. Yes, the movie is racist as hell, but the ride is awesome so what are we gonna do? That’s why we are now making it company policy that any new rides based on racist movies have to be made intentionally terrible. Like, just the worst. Rides you would never want to go on.”

Industry experts have concluded that the move makes a lot of sense. New racist rides have to be expendable so that there will be little to no outcry when they decide to remove or replace them. Said Lowless, “Imagine if the Song of the South ride was a simulator with poorly synchronized movements. It would make everyone sick. That’s the kind of experience a racist story should give you.”

“The Princess and the Frog is a wonderful movie with great songs and memorable characters,” said Lowless. “The New Orleans and swamp settings will make for a perfect attraction! And replacing a racist ride with the first black Princess movie is just poetic justice.”

Lowless also hinted at what’s to come in the way of racist rides that will now be bad by design. “We’re going to turn one of the Dumbo carousels into an experience based on the crows from Dumbo. You’ll basically sit in a bucket while trash is thrown at you. Let’s see somebody complain when we replace that!”

Joe Scoop

Invisible Man Revealed As Icon/Theme for Halloween Horror Nights 2020

ORLANDO, FL - Get ready fright fans! The universal monsters are back! We'll, one of them anyways. Universal has revealed that the icon (and theme of the entire event) will be based on the invisible man for Halloween Horror Nights 2020! More on this story as it develops. 

Keeping in step with Disney ticket increases, Cici's Pizza raises buffet price to $7.99

INTERNATIONAL DRIVE, ORLANDO FL - Many pizza fans are outraged today upon learning that Cici's Pizza locations in the greater Orlando area have increased their buffet prices to $7.99. The controversial move comes just days after Disney announced changes in ticket price structure at the U.S. parks.

"Personally I think the whole thing is fucking bullshit." States local internet personality and Cici's Pizza connoisseur, Hunter Fagan. "This is the biggest detriment to my wallet since Subway ended the $5 foot longs". Truly a dark day for humans who enjoy food.

When asked if the buffet price increases relative to Disney increasing their admission made sense for the local restaurant industry and if Cici's saw this as an indicator that our economy is changing,  local Cici's restaurant manager , Katelyn Boyd had this to say "Would you like to make that a to-go drink for 89 cents more?".

More on this developing story

Will Billiams

Pitbull, Jason Derulo and Macklemore Trapped in Hot Air Balloon Over Atlantic Ocean, Unable to Perform at Universal Mardi Gras

UNIVERSAL ORLANDO RESORT - Universal’s annual Mardi Gras celebration is kicking off its 2020 season on February 1st. The event promises to be a hit with specialty food, the luxurious Bayou Boil, its authentic Mardi Gras Parade and musical performances from New Orleans brass bands and some of the biggest names in music!



Noticeably absent from this year’s concert lineup, however, are Mardi Gras mainstays Pitbull, Jason Derulo and newly anointed tenure act Macklemore. When all 3 names were absent from the concert announcement, RPN reached out to representatives for said artists, who informed us of the trio’s misfortune of being trapped over the Atlantic Ocean in a hot air balloon.



The celebrated hip hop/R&B musicians were having a pre-Mardi Gras retreat to celebrate the upcoming iteration of their annual tradition, sources tell us. Before the hot air ballon ride, the retreat consisted of a canoe trip down Rock Springs in Apopka, FL and a picnic. The 3 close friends then boarded the hot air balloon for what was supposed to be a relaxing sightseeing trip.



“I just hope they have enough water to survive,” said the manager for the self-described Mardi Gras Residency Club. “I know they will all be missed at the Music Plaza Stage this year.”



In more fortunate news, Kool & the Gang are making their triumphant return to Universal’s Mardi Gras this year after being trapped in an underground coal mine since 2016.





Joe Scoop

The Child Soldiers of the Resistance: An Exposé

BLACK SPIRE OUTPOST, BATUU - At Real Park News, we try to stay unbiased on heated issues. We typically stay out of political news altogether. However, recent investigations by our team have revealed some shocking information that we feel it is our moral obligation to bring to light.

As you may know, the First Order destroyed the New Republic’s capitol and senate homes a few cycles ago. The Resistance, which was already waging a war against the FO, has since intensified its efforts and, it would seem, has depleted its troops and resources in the process. In a show of true desperation, they have begun recruiting heavily, and they will take anyone.

And we mean ANYONE.

RPN sent me (Joe Scoop) and my partner Will Billiams undercover to see just how desperate the Resistance is and find our what it would take to be turned away. Believe me when I tell you that every single person who enlisted was accepted to the cause and sent to the secret Resistance base. I will maintain the secrecy of the location, but it was being shared freely with no screening process or cautionary discretion whatsoever.

Billiams and I set out to test the extremes of who they would recruit. We listed bad eyesight, shin splints, fear of flying, anxiety and sympathy for the First Order as potential disqualifying conditions. We were welcomed in without hesitation, reassured that they would find something for us to do.

Dear readers, I wish I could tell you this the worst of what we witnessed. That would be a lie, for what I am about to reveal to you is truly deplorable.

The Resistance is enlisting children. Not teenagers. Not adolescents. Younglings. Small children, some of them terminally ill. These children have no fighting or spying experience. They are certainly too young to understand the complexities and nuances of the situation for which they are volunteering. It is the opinion of this journalist that the Resistance should not be enlisting any recruits below the age of 18. It is irresponsible and immoral.

I do not support the First Order. During our trip we were captured and processed for interrogation by the FO and rescued by the Resistance. I did not see a single child within the FO’s ranks. I wish I could say the same for the Resistance.

We will be watching the Resistance’s movements closely from here on out.


Joe Scoop