Keeping in step with Disney ticket increases, Cici's Pizza raises buffet price to $7.99

INTERNATIONAL DRIVE, ORLANDO FL - Many pizza fans are outraged today upon learning that Cici's Pizza locations in the greater Orlando area have increased their buffet prices to $7.99. The controversial move comes just days after Disney announced changes in ticket price structure at the U.S. parks.

"Personally I think the whole thing is fucking bullshit." States local internet personality and Cici's Pizza connoisseur, Hunter Fagan. "This is the biggest detriment to my wallet since Subway ended the $5 foot longs". Truly a dark day for humans who enjoy food.

When asked if the buffet price increases relative to Disney increasing their admission made sense for the local restaurant industry and if Cici's saw this as an indicator that our economy is changing,  local Cici's restaurant manager , Katelyn Boyd had this to say "Would you like to make that a to-go drink for 89 cents more?".

More on this developing story

Will Billiams

Pitbull, Jason Derulo and Macklemore Trapped in Hot Air Balloon Over Atlantic Ocean, Unable to Perform at Universal Mardi Gras

UNIVERSAL ORLANDO RESORT - Universal’s annual Mardi Gras celebration is kicking off its 2020 season on February 1st. The event promises to be a hit with specialty food, the luxurious Bayou Boil, its authentic Mardi Gras Parade and musical performances from New Orleans brass bands and some of the biggest names in music!



Noticeably absent from this year’s concert lineup, however, are Mardi Gras mainstays Pitbull, Jason Derulo and newly anointed tenure act Macklemore. When all 3 names were absent from the concert announcement, RPN reached out to representatives for said artists, who informed us of the trio’s misfortune of being trapped over the Atlantic Ocean in a hot air balloon.



The celebrated hip hop/R&B musicians were having a pre-Mardi Gras retreat to celebrate the upcoming iteration of their annual tradition, sources tell us. Before the hot air ballon ride, the retreat consisted of a canoe trip down Rock Springs in Apopka, FL and a picnic. The 3 close friends then boarded the hot air balloon for what was supposed to be a relaxing sightseeing trip.



“I just hope they have enough water to survive,” said the manager for the self-described Mardi Gras Residency Club. “I know they will all be missed at the Music Plaza Stage this year.”



In more fortunate news, Kool & the Gang are making their triumphant return to Universal’s Mardi Gras this year after being trapped in an underground coal mine since 2016.





Joe Scoop

The Child Soldiers of the Resistance: An Exposé

BLACK SPIRE OUTPOST, BATUU - At Real Park News, we try to stay unbiased on heated issues. We typically stay out of political news altogether. However, recent investigations by our team have revealed some shocking information that we feel it is our moral obligation to bring to light.

As you may know, the First Order destroyed the New Republic’s capitol and senate homes a few cycles ago. The Resistance, which was already waging a war against the FO, has since intensified its efforts and, it would seem, has depleted its troops and resources in the process. In a show of true desperation, they have begun recruiting heavily, and they will take anyone.

And we mean ANYONE.

RPN sent me (Joe Scoop) and my partner Will Billiams undercover to see just how desperate the Resistance is and find our what it would take to be turned away. Believe me when I tell you that every single person who enlisted was accepted to the cause and sent to the secret Resistance base. I will maintain the secrecy of the location, but it was being shared freely with no screening process or cautionary discretion whatsoever.

Billiams and I set out to test the extremes of who they would recruit. We listed bad eyesight, shin splints, fear of flying, anxiety and sympathy for the First Order as potential disqualifying conditions. We were welcomed in without hesitation, reassured that they would find something for us to do.

Dear readers, I wish I could tell you this the worst of what we witnessed. That would be a lie, for what I am about to reveal to you is truly deplorable.

The Resistance is enlisting children. Not teenagers. Not adolescents. Younglings. Small children, some of them terminally ill. These children have no fighting or spying experience. They are certainly too young to understand the complexities and nuances of the situation for which they are volunteering. It is the opinion of this journalist that the Resistance should not be enlisting any recruits below the age of 18. It is irresponsible and immoral.

I do not support the First Order. During our trip we were captured and processed for interrogation by the FO and rescued by the Resistance. I did not see a single child within the FO’s ranks. I wish I could say the same for the Resistance.

We will be watching the Resistance’s movements closely from here on out.


Joe Scoop

Halloween Horror Nights Goes Soft as Fans Complain About Lack of Real Murders

UNIVERSAL STUDIOS FLORIDA - Universal Orlando Resort’s most popular annual event is back again as Halloween Horror Nights begins its 29th year this weekend. The event has its share of devoted fans, but reviews are already coming in that this year’s offerings are less intense than previous years, with a major complaint being that no people were actually murdered in any of the 10 haunted house attractions.

The creative team in charge of designing the event denies any intentional watering down of the intensity, but they do openly admit that they had to stop murdering real people. “We realized that it would be difficult to grow our audience if we are killing them,” said Creative Director Carrie O’Heigho. “It’s just a bad business practice. It really decreases the potential for repeat visitors.”

Still, fans lucky enough to survive year after year are disappointed with the new lineup of houses. Orlando local David Franderman recalls his early experiences. “I miss the old days when it used to be really scary. I remember in middle school, my friend Ricky got sliced in half in the Dungeon of Terror. It was the best!”

Franderman continued, “It’s just not scary anymore. Ghosts and Clowns? Are you kidding me? Go back to the classics like that ghost ship, the S.S. Frightanic and Jack the Clown. The really scary stuff. Plus, Ghostbusters is not scary. It’s a comedy. Comedy has no business being at HHN.”

“Oh, and bring back Bill and Ted!”


Joe Scoop

Disney Cancels Brazil Pavillion After Finding Out About I-Drive

ANAHEIM, CA - Rumors of a Brazil Pavillion in Epcot World Showcase have been circling for some time now and even "Confirmed" by WDWNT as of earlier this week.

RPN had a chance to sit down with Bob Chapek (President of Disney Parks, Experiences and Products) Sunday at D23. When asked about the rumored Brazil Pavillion Bob had this to say.

"That was the plan, but 2 weeks ago one of our imagineers had to go get his driver's license renewed and his GPS took him to a part of Disney World, er, sorry, Orlando that he had never been to before."

Bob proceeded to pull out his mobile phone, which was covered in ketchup and bits of well-done steak in order to talk us through some photos sent to him by the aforementioned imagineer "Turns out there's an entire Brazil Pavillion already built by what I'm guessing is Universal on International drive. We figure with it being so close it would be redundant to have an exact replica of that in world showcase so we decided to cancel the project."

Will Billiams

Universal Announces Amazing New Thing for Dumb People to Be Mad At

ORLANDO, FL - Representatives from Universal Parks and Resorts announced this morning that a bunch of freaking idiots will be mad at them on the internet for doing anything at all. The announcement of Universal’s Epic Universe did not come as a surprise, although that does not make it any less exciting. Or, if you’re a big bozo, it does not make you any less angry for some reason.

While specific details on the attractions and areas within the new park were not shared, it is safe to say that they will be highly detailed and immersive. After all, this will be the first entirely new major theme park in Central Florida in over two decades. And if you’re just the worst, you think that isn’t a big deal. But it is. It’s huge. In fact, I’d even say it’s epic.

There is still so much more to learn about Universal’s next theme park! And the rabid, foaming masses on Twitter have so much more to complain about! After all, they found a way to minimize the achievement that is Hagrid’s Magical Creatures Motorbike Adventure, widely agreed to be the best attraction to open at Universal since 2010.

We here at Real Park News are looking forward to the future of this project, and seeing the hoops some dummies will have to jump through to be mad at it!


Joe Scoop

Sonny Eclipse Announces Summer 2019 Tour Dates

Exciting news! Legendary lounge singer Sonny Eclipse has just announced his tour dates for Summer 2019! The singer has been known to play lengthy sets and dazzle audiences the galaxy over. His spring tour is scheduled to wrap up in June. Check his tour dates below to see if he'll be coming to a town near you this summer!

June 20 - Bay Lake, FL (Cosmic Ray's Starlight Café)
June 21 - Bay Lake, FL (Cosmic Ray's Starlight Café)
June 22 - Bay Lake, FL (Cosmic Ray's Starlight Café)
June 23 - Bay Lake, FL (Cosmic Ray's Starlight Café)
June 24 - Bay Lake, FL (Cosmic Ray's Starlight Café)
June 25 - Bay Lake, FL (Cosmic Ray's Starlight Café)
June 26 - Bay Lake, FL (Cosmic Ray's Starlight Café)
June 27 - Bay Lake, FL (Cosmic Ray's Starlight Café)
June 28 - Bay Lake, FL (Cosmic Ray's Starlight Café)
June 29 - Bay Lake, FL (Cosmic Ray's Starlight Café)
June 30 - Bay Lake, FL (Cosmic Ray's Starlight Café)
July 1 - Bay Lake, FL (Cosmic Ray's Starlight Café)
July 2 - Bay Lake, FL (Cosmic Ray's Starlight Café)
July 3 - Bay Lake, FL (Cosmic Ray's Starlight Café)
July 4 - Bay Lake, FL (Cosmic Ray's Starlight Café)
July 5 - Bay Lake, FL (Cosmic Ray's Starlight Café)
July 6 - Bay Lake, FL (Cosmic Ray's Starlight Café)
July 7 - Bay Lake, FL (Cosmic Ray's Starlight Café)
July 8 - Bay Lake, FL (Cosmic Ray's Starlight Café)
July 9 - Bay Lake, FL (Cosmic Ray's Starlight Café)
July 10 - Bay Lake, FL (Cosmic Ray's Starlight Café)
July 11 - Bay Lake, FL (Cosmic Ray's Starlight Café)
July 12 - Bay Lake, FL (Cosmic Ray's Starlight Café)
July 13 - Bay Lake, FL (Cosmic Ray's Starlight Café)
July 14 - Bay Lake, FL (Cosmic Ray's Starlight Café)
July 15 - Bay Lake, FL (Cosmic Ray's Starlight Café)
July 16 - Bay Lake, FL (Cosmic Ray's Starlight Café)
July 17 - Bay Lake, FL (Cosmic Ray's Starlight Café)
July 18 - Bay Lake, FL (Cosmic Ray's Starlight Café)
July 19 - Bay Lake, FL (Cosmic Ray's Starlight Café)
July 20 - Bay Lake, FL (Cosmic Ray's Starlight Café)
July 21 - Bay Lake, FL (Cosmic Ray's Starlight Café)
July 22 - Bay Lake, FL (Cosmic Ray's Starlight Café)
July 23 - Bay Lake, FL (Cosmic Ray's Starlight Café)
July 24 - Bay Lake, FL (Cosmic Ray's Starlight Café)
July 25 - Bay Lake, FL (Cosmic Ray's Starlight Café)
July 26 - Bay Lake, FL (Cosmic Ray's Starlight Café)
July 27 - Bay Lake, FL (Cosmic Ray's Starlight Café)
July 28 - Bay Lake, FL (Cosmic Ray's Starlight Café)
July 29 - Bay Lake, FL (Cosmic Ray's Starlight Café)
July 30 - Bay Lake, FL (Cosmic Ray's Starlight Café)
July 31 - Bay Lake, FL (Cosmic Ray's Starlight Café)
August 1 - Bay Lake, FL (Cosmic Ray's Starlight Café)
August 2 - Bay Lake, FL (Cosmic Ray's Starlight Café)
August 3 - Bay Lake, FL (Cosmic Ray's Starlight Café)
August 4 - Bay Lake, FL (Cosmic Ray's Starlight Café)
August 5 - Bay Lake, FL (Cosmic Ray's Starlight Café)
August 6 - Bay Lake, FL (Cosmic Ray's Starlight Café)
August 7 - Bay Lake, FL (Cosmic Ray's Starlight Café)
August 8 - Bay Lake, FL (Cosmic Ray's Starlight Café)
August 9 - Bay Lake, FL (Cosmic Ray's Starlight Café)
August 10 - Bay Lake, FL (Cosmic Ray's Starlight Café)
August 11 - Bay Lake, FL (Cosmic Ray's Starlight Café)
August 12 - Bay Lake, FL (Cosmic Ray's Starlight Café)
August 13 - Bay Lake, FL (Cosmic Ray's Starlight Café)
August 14 - Bay Lake, FL (Cosmic Ray's Starlight Café)
August 15 - Bay Lake, FL (Cosmic Ray's Starlight Café)
August 16 - Bay Lake, FL (Cosmic Ray's Starlight Café)
August 17 - Bay Lake, FL (Cosmic Ray's Starlight Café)
August 18 - Bay Lake, FL (Cosmic Ray's Starlight Café)
August 19 - Bay Lake, FL (Cosmic Ray's Starlight Café)
August 20 - Bay Lake, FL (Cosmic Ray's Starlight Café)
August 21 - Bay Lake, FL (Cosmic Ray's Starlight Café)
August 22 - Bay Lake, FL (Cosmic Ray's Starlight Café)
August 23 - Bay Lake, FL (Cosmic Ray's Starlight Café)
August 24 - Bay Lake, FL (Cosmic Ray's Starlight Café)
August 25 - Bay Lake, FL (Cosmic Ray's Starlight Café)
August 26 - Bay Lake, FL (Cosmic Ray's Starlight Café)
August 27 - Bay Lake, FL (Cosmic Ray's Starlight Café)
August 28 - Bay Lake, FL (Cosmic Ray's Starlight Café)
August 29 - Bay Lake, FL (Cosmic Ray's Starlight Café)
August 30 - Bay Lake, FL (Cosmic Ray's Starlight Café)
August 31 - Bay Lake, FL (Cosmic Ray's Starlight Café)
September 1 - Bay Lake, FL (Cosmic Ray's Starlight Café)
September 2 - Bay Lake, FL (Cosmic Ray's Starlight Café)
September 3 - Bay Lake, FL (Cosmic Ray's Starlight Café)
September 4 - Bay Lake, FL (Cosmic Ray's Starlight Café)
September 5 - Bay Lake, FL (Cosmic Ray's Starlight Café)
September 6 - Bay Lake, FL (Cosmic Ray's Starlight Café)
September 7 - Bay Lake, FL (Cosmic Ray's Starlight Café)
September 8 - Bay Lake, FL (Cosmic Ray's Starlight Café)
September 9 - Bay Lake, FL (Cosmic Ray's Starlight Café)
September 10 - Bay Lake, FL (Cosmic Ray's Starlight Café)
September 11 - Bay Lake, FL (Cosmic Ray's Starlight Café)
September 12 - Bay Lake, FL (Cosmic Ray's Starlight Café)
September 13 - Bay Lake, FL (Cosmic Ray's Starlight Café)
September 14 - Bay Lake, FL (Cosmic Ray's Starlight Café)
September 15 - Bay Lake, FL (Cosmic Ray's Starlight Café)
September 16 - Bay Lake, FL (Cosmic Ray's Starlight Café)
September 17 - Bay Lake, FL (Cosmic Ray's Starlight Café)
September 18 - Bay Lake, FL (Cosmic Ray's Starlight Café)
September 19 - Bay Lake, FL (Cosmic Ray's Starlight Café)
September 20 - Bay Lake, FL (Cosmic Ray's Starlight Café)
September 21 - Bay Lake, FL (Cosmic Ray's Starlight Café)
September 22 - Bay Lake, FL (Cosmic Ray's Starlight Café)